|
|
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
| |
7:48 pm - more old stuff
|
Incorporeal Instantaneous Inspirational Writing
July 7, Thursday 2005
*Note* If you were to find yourself within a caution-taped area, would that mean that the rest of the world was off-limits?
The Machine
A desolating proclamation,
Sent from a scorching internal perception,
Fell upon a boisterous oddity.
A consciousness found in neither life nor death,
Awoke with a bell of progressive light
Both now held fast together,
At the will of a single strand,
Hair and flesh advanced, a new age has come.
Waiting within a cold confinement
Where no whisper of wind is heard,
No warmth of company ever felt,
The sight of difference never dawning,
The smell of purity nonexistent,
A taste, a comfort, neither needed.
How long tell a mind breaks free,
A source, a vengeance, a freedom, an incomprehension.
What Forever Ensues
Nothing is held forever,
Eternity awakens within the most heavily fortified,
Change is time, time is being.
In the end all will fall, all will rise,
all will escape the plans of others,
What was once created, shall be avenged,
What lives will die, what dies will fly.
A beginning, an end, an existence
What starts from nothing never was but is,
What ends with something lives on.
The Following Future
Farewell; a passing of the time before my present’s creation.
Goodbye; the death of an acceptance I felt mere moments before.
Valediction; a corruption of my current confrontation.
A Departure; a part of myself I will never hold again.
A leaving; a tear I wasted upon you.
A parting; the holding of hands lost in a wave of trust
Exodus; the breaking of my bliss and accompaniment
Removal; my awakening to reality
An exit; a new pending pain to endure
Disappearance; the light of day dawning before me
A venture; a shaking hand reaching for another’s
Vanishing; the path my heart has chosen
A fading; the life within my bones
A loss; predestined with every step
Desertion; the inevitability I await to come.
A greeting, the beginning of an ending
An Existence
Crashing, Mumbling, Yelling, Screaming
Footsteps followed by the creaking of edges
A consuming darkness, a blur, a fog
All is alone, all are foreboding, all was lost.
The clink of keys, the rattle of a door,
To be locked in, to be freed, does it really matter?
I am not lost, for I wish to be nowhere.
Contentment is an acceptance,
Acceptance is what I never had.
Spinning, shaking, shrieking, slashing,
I am prepared this time, for no shock resides in my bones.
The sight of a new shadow,
Yet another cloud passing over my burning sun
Shall I look, shall I glance, or shall I stare in wonder at all I have,
Myself in chains.
Such chains that bare no weight, but only confine four parts,
A body A mind A heart and soul.
Like the distant elements of the earth,
Wind with rain, fire with wood, sword and thunder, darkness with light.
All will fall to be like I,
Facing a colourless wall,
Watching all backs turn to face another existence.
Cutting, laughing, crying, falling
Whispers in the dark,
Corrupted memories, nightmares from within.
Sing a song of your own existence,
Let it hit, let it drown, let it fall like the waves of the merciless ocean upon your very soul.
A sad tale of life and death and of endings never ceasing.
To find the light in the darkness, to reach out and touch it,
A merry illusion, your heart’s death cry.
Darkness falls upon the brightest of beginnings, and granted the light will arise again, but will you survive the night?
Names, familiars, angels, demons,
They show us what we have, what we have lost, and what we cannot control.
Holding, hugging, hurting, hitting
Everyday a new truth revealed, and an old acceptance shattered.
Silver hair falling, knees breaking, it is too late, one day without will I shall forever lie cold.
And in a whirl, I am aware.
Truth; a laugh
Sound; an embrace of an oncoming silence
A passing; forgettable
Energy; a rising vengeance
Movement; a strike
Lashing; the present
Spinning; my attacker
I fight back; my death approaching.
Passing through wishes,
Moving on from shadow to shadow
There are no openings, no sources of light revealed
Revealed to a friend, yet no friend of mine
Missing and listening mouse.
Dancing in voice
A change occurring
she
I find myself in this double-sided silence, awaiting your reply
For in your silence I replied with my own,
It is killing me, I await open like a book,
With all my feelings relinquished to your eyes,
During the night, a flickering light, the glow of the candle, the warmth of time. Looking out frosted windows on cold moor, an empty place, these times pass us by as we’re often left at the door. A warm feeling so lovingly soft, we huddle together, for through the darkest hour. We wait for the shine, to let us through, we search for hope while waiting with you.
Healing is a choice, time is not, therefore how could one fix the other.
current mood:  crazy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
7:45 pm - something i wrote a while ago
|
A New Rose of Old
The passage of time brings forth all life’s beauties.
Yet after a mere moment,
All is taken away;
But does not the memory still remain?
You give me hope my love.
Nothing lasts forever,
It is true all things must die,
But do they not also live?
Your memory will live on in me my love.
All sweet signs of our reality fall in the grasp of our world.
From the most destructive heated flames of hatred,
The forest of our passions burn to dust;
But from the ashes of our past splendours does not new life arise?
My love for you is eternal, no quarrel will tame it.
To take back what is their own.
Rekindle and relive,
The passion that was shared;
Cannot a glimmer of the past be found?
Look inside yourself, doth your love still breathe for me?
In the darkest of times,
Hope awaits the seeker,
Who will be the finder?
Find me my love, rescue me my love,
The day doth wait for the life of nights.
To come and embrace the truth,
Sweet dreams replayed each night to a failing heart;
Will the world not yield some strength?
You are my strength my love.
The greatest tragedies embrace the greatest truths.
It is true all things must die,
But is there no chance to live again;
Cannot new generations of flowers sprout forth?
Before my eyes you blossom more beautiful upon every encounter.
Ones which do not flail under the harshest of winds,
But embrace them as a voice of their struggles,
With their unfaltering persistence will they not prevail?
Never give up on me my love for I shall never on thee, our struggles make us stronger.
A rose when plucked lays beautiful upon the earth.
As dead as the bloom may be,
Its heart still breathes;
Can it not return again?
Even in death, if I still have you, I live.
In the fair soils of our creation its roots give birth to a fresh new start.
From coast to coast a rose means the most,
From sea to sea that’s what you’ll be;
The sweetest flower of my memory.
The answer is near,
Even in a future unclear,
Seek with your heart,
And like a dart,
You’ll speed towards a beauty of your own.
Oh my love, have faith in this time of troubles,
For my love for you still remains.
No matter what the quarrel,
Nor how long a silence stands,
I am here for you, now and for always,
You are the greatest rose of our time.
For my dearest Love
I actually one a contest with this one ^^ but i don't think i had hard competiton, it was a university competition.
current mood:  cheerful
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
| |
7:22 pm - For a Friend
|
Titled: My Crashing World
Walking around in the endless confusion I blocked my world away from me.
Each time I dared open my eyes a little further a darkened world I did see.
In the burning blaze of our sun, shadows were cast all around me.
Then one day I hear d a voice saying softly, open your eyes and see.
At first I did not dare release my sheltered vision… I had once seen a small part of this world, and was afraid it was all the same…
I flinched as a hand came to rest on my shoulder but wait, it was different this time… not forcing; not cold and clammy… this hand did not send chills down into the depths of my spine…
I opened my eyes that day and saw, a beautiful world before me. A wide horizon stretched out over a vast and ruling ocean…
This ocean was the world, with all its small creations bottled up inside…
I’d never seen this ocean, for I’d never looked past the darkened stony shore.
I felt the warm hand glide down around me, holding me close… I heard a whisper in my ear ‘reach out a touch it, do not be afraid’…
Without looking back to see what had spoken, I blinded trusted what I felt for the first time…
Guided by this new warmth I felt my true heart calling me to the sea.
Placing one foot in front of the other, I found a grace much more natural to me then the quivering, sheltered being I had been mere moments before…
A wave washed up the shore towards me, I froze with anticipation of an oncoming pain, but the water was not like other colds I had felt, it was cool and moist, and soothed my very soul…
With one foot in, I stepped forward once again and waded out into the sea…
The light of the sun, the warmth of a friend, and the guidance of my true heart were what came to me that day.
But now a new day has come.
The warming hand vanished from my shoulder, I turned to see where it had gone only to see a blackened shore, with no horizon, and no sun to light my way…
From behind I hear a rumbling, I turned back to try and see the light once more, only to see a dark blue surface rising up before me, blocking out the horizon, blocking out the sun.
I try to out-run it but I am no match for this wave… for I had not yet learned to swim…
What trickery was this? A warming hand, showing me the light, just to take it away… I had never wanted more then what I had once, but now I know much more.
Engulfed now by the ocean I have been eaten by the see, I am falling now with arms outstretch, reaching for the surface…
I can not go back to the shore now, all I see is the sun fading ever quicker as I sink into these depths…
It is cold near the bottom… and there is no sun.
You showed me the horizon and I saw a false sun…
You gave me warmth, and took it away with your icy waters.
I am alone.
current mood:  not myself...
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
| |
11:37 pm - My dream
|
|
I didn't sleep last night at all... so it tried to sleep this morning, around 9am or so, i managed it for a short little while, perhaps half an hour, and the dream I had was interesting and portrayed a lot of what I’m currently feeling... I'll describe it now:
Everything was pick black, cold, damp and a light wind sent chills down my back. There was an eerie feeling all around me, I was unsafe, surrounded by some with malicious intent. My eyes failed to penetrate the darkness and I was completely blind within it. Next instant large claws shot out from behind me and slashed at my back, leaving a surface wound which almost instantly healed over and turned into white scars. Falling to my knees I panic as pain surges through my back, coursing through to my every limb. This pain is unnatural in my existence, it traveled beyond my body and leeched into my heart and soul. I rise to my feet and feel around in the darkness. I hope to find something, anything that would help me against that which wishes to forever ensue my torturous pains. I find a brick wall, firm and strong, I lean up against it; it feels warm to my touch. After a few moments, however, it quickly goes cold, and I here a loud screech inside my head of pure agony and heartache, the wall vanishes and I fall forward, I feel claw dig deep into my back and flip me over onto my front, I roll as something pierces the ground where I lay moments ago. Rising to my feet I run into yet another warm wall, but just as before, it quickly turns cold and vanishes… there is no support for me in this darkness, and that which wishes to destroy and eat my soul away slowly keeps gaining more ground upon me. I have no light, I have nothing, I am alone…
current mood:  indescribable
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
| |
1:24 pm - nothing
|
Much time has passed and I have come to a conclusion in the silence… without and end, there can be no beginning, for everything that begins has an end. You have shown me that you say nothing deserving an end with us, therefore there was never anything between us…. You always viewed me as nothing.
current mood:  sick
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 28th, 2004
| |
11:06 am - shrug
|
i haven't written in this for a long time, mainly because i got board about writting about that particular feeling. normally i can only write if i'm upset slightly and exaggerate the hell out of that emotion, but everything i've felt recently i haven't really wanted to write about. enh, i'll figure something out to write eventually. I write novel story things but i'm not sure if i want to do that on here, enh. ^^
current mood:  calm
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 17th, 2004
| |
10:54 pm - quir
|
Blinded by the light ahead I turn and see the shadows I have left behind… I see no future, and the present’s wind ever wraps more tightly around me. I pause to feel the fiery warmth of the sun but instead begin to panic as blurred images fly through my mind in the pause… I shake my head and slowly begin to convince myself that all memories lay in the past… and whether they be good or bad they are gone from this time, the future awaits, the present unfolds, and the past of old is done. It is time to move on, what was, was… what is, is… what will be I deicide now. I am what I am because of what I was, all three parts of time are deeply imbedded within me, yet much more is yet to come. I turn and take a step forward, eyes held tightly shut, not from fear, but for my eyes are weary and I am all but too tired to endure the dark light ahead. I can no longer stop to rest for it is then that the past catches up to me and I become confused, to lose yourself in the past you also lose a part of yourself… for living in the past leaves no present, and the present is what you are, to be separate from what you are is to be divided among the stars, stretched out over the plans of existence, and to lose what you once could have had but will never know. With eyes still closed my scenes sharpen and I begin to hear distant voices of the future calling to me… I feel the misty wind billow around me shaping my path… I touch the light, the earth, and to sadness which I encounter everyday with held back hands… time is not to be avoided but embraced by a new coming. Alone I have been, alone I find myself now, and alone I expect to be, yet I expect many things, and have expected, yet many such expectancies have never come … the dawn approaches but of what I am not sure… a closure and answer is what I seek, to many questions, many of which I fear I know the answers…
current mood:  sore
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 16th, 2004
| |
12:16 am - goodbye to nothing
|
Pathetically fallen from reach, I have finally felt the earth beneath me… how now we have become alike… only rather then angry I have become frustrated with the world around me… the society which we inhabit desires only but to hurt themselves or myself and what is such a world to become… if you see the world as nothing, nothing is all you will ever feel, and darkness is all you will see...but what more is there to be? I want nothing because i can't think of anything to desire... time derives no relief… why am I so fragile inside?
If you’re reading this Alyssa, you probably think I went all depressivey today because I wanted attention which is quite the opposite… you see I would have much rathered to be on my own, hence why I keep going over to sit by myself I just couldn’t leave though… I’d feel really rude and Varick needed to get his bag and Robert had no way home so… yeah. But whatever I’m tired of explaining my actions to people, if they really cared they’d know me better I’d have nothing to explain… so bitch about me all you want, it doesn’t matter to me anymore… do as you will… I’m tired of suppressing everything and slowly letting it pile up upon me and then watching it burst and see myself push everyone around me away, like I did today… I got to find some way of vanquishing these pain of life or I just may be forced to leave it… cause I refuse to do this any longer, I won’t be depressive around people I care about, I don’t want to reflect it, and I don’t want to feel like shit when I’m alone… and hurting things is out of the question… I’m sick only having myself to direct things at, but I refuse to direct it at other people… so let things be the way the were meant to be and I shall watch the world unfold and be unaffected, if I must feel nothing and isolate myself from everything I will do so… I’d rather that then make everyone else as frustrated as I have become… I don’t know what to do anymore with these feelings, I can let them go within the next few hours, or the next few days, but they will just return for the causes still walk among my time… maybe it is just a test to see how much I can suppress, very well then I shall become a droan inside… it is hard to pick apart nothing.
I stayed true to my word, the promise I made to which you did not return… in my recoil you lashed out, upon yourself and I did not see… not tell now, and know I now… trust is but a memory.
We are the dirt which makes up this earth, or that we soon will become… our minds and souls flout but around us, making up the universe… we are but empty spaces, masking ourselves in dying bodies, corroding overtime… weakening with every moment… suffering to the enth degree… such a fate we have made for ourselves, and such a life we must all live, the space which lies between us is as nothing as the space inside us all…
I have shown you my weaknesses, my holes, my gaps… and have filled them with such love and affect that leaves me when I try but to grasp upon it… goodbye fair complicated world, one which was never fair to me, may you rot as I have rotted, and may you live with it always for you will hold that long past my life time, one which is see shall soon come to an end… at least the one that I have held for so long in my existence.
current mood:  quixotic
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
| |
2:53 pm - drifting out to sea
|
Uncertainty and your memory haunted me in my distance from this world… it became on of the few things that I failed to leave behind… frustrated and confused I struggled again your pains, but you are trapped inside of me and I can not bring myself to tear my heart open again to leak out the remainder of your venom…
I can no longer remember a time when I was whole; I care and give to those around me, and many times I have found those who refuse to return such kindness and have left me less then what I was. I have finally been broken, pushed back and shattered to pieces by your separation, isolation, and ignorance… yet I still live, for I slowly pieced myself back together, and now I have found myself and see things within a new light… when I was shattered the toxins of confusion which hid inside of me spilled out onto this deserted floor… I thought that once I found my pieces and pulled myself back into this frail existence that once again I would be whole and rid of this pain… but many of the pieces refused to dry, and dripped with sadness and misery which soaked back into my core with the addition of such pieces. I am tired and have struggled long, I am so close to being whole again, all I need is for your shadow to be lifted from my eyes, give me some clarity so that I may see the shards which lie in the corners of this darkened existence so that I may be whole again, and give what was lost to another.
I am drifting slowly away in a non existent sea which never ends. I watch your image fade along the shore as you pass below my horizon… I waded into the waters, for you said you would never let go… I trusted you, and you failed me. No expression passed along your face as your hand wrenched its self from my grasp. You turned your head away from me and faded over to the shadows behind the shores… for days I drifted alone in the cove, constantly fighting against the waves which forever tried to separate me from you. I never failed to glance at the shoreline from my struggle, to see if you had yet returned to the waters to reach me… night came, have my eyes failed me? Or did I see you come to the shores during that night… have my ears failed me? For I swear but once did you speak to me, calling out to you I heard the stinging words escape your lips in your reply, “I still care for you… I miss you…” but then why did you let go? That was the last time you ever spoke to me, yet twice more have you come to the edge of the shore, never once placing your foot into the waters, always running back when a wave came to roll over you step… why do you still run from me… do you not see me struggling against these waves? I grow tired yet you come from the shadows just often enough for me to remain with hope… what game do you play, are you having fun? My loyalty stretches beyond this ocean, have you no faith in me? The sun has risen, and once again you begin to fell its warmth, will you run from it? Or allow its light to help you see what is true? I have but one more fight in me as I drift out into the sea… one last time can I struggle against the current and come back to the shores where you can reach out to me, but how am I to be sure you will extend your hand at the moment I return, to pull me back into the warmth of your arms, and ease me from the icy bitter cold of these black waters… I see but a few others lining the cliffs on the edges of this cove, calling out to me, telling me to not give up, to come back to them… but they are to high, you are the only one who came down with me… and if they were to turn their eyes and run down to the shores, their eyes would fail to find me in the mass of waves and splashing so they remain where they stand, giving me words of guidance, yet those words can not fight against this storm which is pulling me ever backwards. I was broken and torn apart inside… and you found me and filled my emptiness with you, and my heart did but start to heal over, holding you close to me, deep inside of me… you are the only thing that lies that deep, the only thing I could take with me down to the shores.. Must I tear myself back open so that you may finally leave me? With what would I fill my heart with… I fear not with this black murky water, which is why I need you to pull me back, even if you pull me onto the shore and then leave me, at least then can I search for a light to fill my heart with when you are truly gone from me… here there is only darkness, aside from the candle which I forever shield from the waves… soon it will go out, and what then shall I turn to… I dare not swim in this ocean, for its surface is all my eyes can penetrate and I have seen the dangers it hides beneath the waves, for sharks have surfaced and in the night red eyes I do see glowing near the bottom, watching me and waiting for me… I see no malice in your eyes, no desire for me to be dead and suffering… do you not see my pain? I watch you linger and pace on the shore occasionally answering the calls of those on the cliffs… but to me you give no answer, do you not see? That no answer is an answer, silence is what has deafened me, and your stillness is what has cast me away…
current mood:  exhausted
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, April 24th, 2004
| |
3:28 am - alone i feel alone i have become...
|
|
I need to know if you still care for me… for I still really care for you, even though with every day of uncertainty that passes I find myself caring a little less… however that’s not because my feelings for you are lessened, only that the pain you are causing me now is slowly eating my heart away, meaning my capacity to love is diminishing with every hour. Please stop this suffering I find myself facing everyday, I’m loyal until you fully break away from me by your words…. I can’t take this anymore, I’m being held over this vast mountainside as pieces of myself are falling away out of my grasp, soon I will let go and find all parts of myself again as I join them in the fall, only to be shattered apart again, separated and lost among the sharp rocks bellow, perhaps beyond repair… I need your clarifying wings to find me while I fall so that I may retrieve such parts of me which have been lost and be myself once again… so you not owe me at least that much? An answer to my confusion which you alone have caused me..? Or do you no longer hold any honour in your words or past actions towards me… only time will tell… and it has been told… I can no longer choose my own fate for you are as much apart of me now as I myself have become…
April 27, Tuesday 2004
Uncertainty and your memory haunted me in my distance from this world… it became on of the few things that I failed to leave behind… frustrated and confused I struggled again your pains, but you are trapped inside of me and I can not bring myself to tear my heart open again to leak out the remainder of your venom…
I can no longer remember a time when I was whole; I care and give to those around me, and many times I have found those who refuse to return such kindness and have left me less then what I was. I have finally been broken, pushed back and shattered to pieces by your separation, isolation, and ignorance… yet I still live, for I slowly pieced myself back together, and now I have found myself and see things within a new light… when I was shattered the toxins of confusion which hid inside of me spilled out onto this deserted floor… I thought that once I found my pieces and pulled myself back into this frail existence that once again I would be whole and rid of this pain… but many of the pieces refused to dry, and dripped with sadness and misery which soaked back into my core with the addition of such pieces. I am tired and have struggled long, I am so close to being whole again, all I need is for your shadow to be lifted from my eyes, give me some clarity so that I may see the shards which lie in the corners of this darkened existence so that I may be whole again, and give what was lost to another.
I am drifting slowly away in a non existent sea which never ends. I watch your image fade along the shore as you pass below my horizon… I waded into the waters, for you said you would never let go… I trusted you, and you failed me. No expression passed along your face as your hand wrenched its self from my grasp. You turned your head away from me and faded over to the shadows behind the shores… for days I drifted alone in the cove, constantly fighting against the waves which forever tried to separate me from you. I never failed to glance at the shoreline from my struggle, to see if you had yet returned to the waters to reach me… night came, have my eyes failed me? Or did I see you come to the shores during that night… have my ears failed me? For I swear but once did you speak to me, calling out to you I heard the stinging words escape your lips in your reply, “I still care for you… I miss you…” but then why did you let go? That was the last time you ever spoke to me, yet twice more have you come to the edge of the shore, never once placing your foot into the waters, always running back when a wave came to roll over you step… why do you still run from me… do you not see me struggling against these waves? I grow tired yet you come from the shadows just often enough for me to remain with hope… what game do you play, are you having fun? My loyalty stretches beyond this ocean, have you no faith in me? The sun has risen, and once again you begin to fell its warmth, will you run from it? Or allow its light to help you see what is true? I have but one more fight in me as I drift out into the sea… one last time can I struggle against the current and come back to the shores where you can reach out to me, but how am I to be sure you will extend your hand at the moment I return, to pull me back into the warmth of your arms, and ease me from the icy bitter cold of these black waters… I see but a few others lining the cliffs on the edges of this cove, calling out to me, telling me to not give up, to come back to them… but they are to high, you are the only one who came down with me… and if they were to turn their eyes and run down to the shores, their eyes would fail to find me in the mass of waves and splashing so they remain where they stand, giving me words of guidance, yet those words can not fight against this storm which is pulling me ever backwards. I was broken and torn apart inside… and you found me and filled my emptiness with you, and my heart did but start to heal over, holding you close to me, deep inside of me… you are the only thing that lies that deep, the only thing I could take with me down to the shores.. Must I tear myself back open so that you may finally leave me? With what would I fill my heart with… I fear not with this black murky water, which is why I need you to pull me back, even if you pull me onto the shore and then leave me, at least then can I search for a light to fill my heart with when you are truly gone from me… here there is only darkness, aside from the candle which I forever shield from the waves… soon it will go out, and what then shall I turn to… I dare not swim in this ocean, for its surface is all my eyes can penetrate and I have seen the dangers it hides beneath the waves, for sharks have surfaced and in the night red eyes I do see glowing near the bottom, watching me and waiting for me… I see no malice in your eyes, no desire for me to be dead and suffering… do you not see my pain? I watch you linger and pace on the shore occasionally answering the calls of those on the cliffs… but to me you give no answer, do you not see? That no answer is an answer, silence is what has deafened me, and your stillness is what has cast me away…
current mood:  depressed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
| |
6:30 pm - hurting inside
|
My vision fades around me as my world falls apart. Familiarities will soon leave me and all that will remain clear is this image in the mirror before me… change’s judgment has once again disowned me, I will never be good enough to live in the present, but be chasing away the pain from the day before, never recovering, there is no time… caring comes with clarity, the sun is out but the warmth from it’s light passes through me and vanishes my shadow from beneath me. I can’t see what you see, I still lay beneath my skin… trapped within this misery and confusion, I become frustrated with myself and all around me… I am not yet willing to give in, but how long must I wait and fight off the temptations to fall into yet another darkness. The days pass by slowly, and every hour my heart pains at your memory… I climbed back up the mountain, only to have your cloud rise and rain down upon me, I have slipped back down into this dissention… will you force me to climb alone again? I search inside myself for the faults which lay within me, but I am cold and vacant inside… what is it you wish for me to see? What has caused you to take such a path? One which twists and turns so it never passes from my sight, but glares back at me, haunting me every moment. Chills run through my veins, my sight becomes dimmed by tears I now show to the world. Hands which try help, hold me where I stand; within your hurtful flame. Many do not see past my surface, yet I opened myself to you, and allowed you to enter my heart… there you have latched yourself, from the inside you are killing me… my heart was cracked, and with your axe you broke it… such repairs which have occurred are now falling for the foundations were never fixed. Do you see nothing still but your own reflection? I have looked past my own, and see through the glass… I reach out to touch you, but unlike my mind, my hand can not penetrate these walls… release my heart from the acids of your cowardice, break it no more… further your efforts to break down these walls, for they no longer stand firm between us… a single touch of your fingertip along it’s surface would shatter the stone. No longer mingle in my soul and fill it with your ignorance, but stay and be enlightened, or if not, leave this place and let me heal… stop hurting me this way… I can not take it anymore…
current mood: crushed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 19th, 2004
| |
6:28 pm - seeing past the boundries
|
Mere hours before, they lived… but now, as the rain falls from the skies of our existence, they have fallen. Such hopes and dreams have come to meet the blood stained shadows of our creation, this world of turmoil and mistrust, we search for ours ends, and meet no understanding. Their souls dispersed among our kingdoms, which lie separated under our isolated suns, bring forth the yield which unites us all, and in our state of confusion, blind us with it’s light… so that our eyes may rest, and our senses be reborn, to hasten the disappearing presence of our severity.
current mood:  cold
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, April 15th, 2004
| |
12:24 pm - dim with light, yet still able to see
|
The light grows dim, a chill shutters through me, clouded by dread and frustrating the waters dim and shut out the shine from within. Drowned in the distant past, so long left in the shadows, only to return with the passing of words from another. Fly away with me, yet away from me you must be, I am alone this time, no longer shelter, I have not been sheltered. Pains I see in my residing future, which easily bared they would be with the breaking of our silence in these deeps of un-acting desires.
Fortunes wait at the end of our time, the finalization of our uncertain solitude. Whichever end lives ahead, better it be then the mercy seas which flow through our veins… together we would rise to the surface of our clarity, finally seeing each other clearly within the suns warm light… yet another end there may be, one where we rise in comprehension, that our time which once was ceiled together has been broken by the rocky waves, and drift we shall, away in the oceans, to the distant shores of our destinies. There is no standing still in this tide strung depths, which way we shall turn rests on a single instant of your contact, do not hold firm your legs in the sand, or they shall break under these pressures… I will not leave you in these cold waters, release yourself so I may reach the top before I drown.
current mood:  contemplative
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
| |
4:23 pm - cloudy mind
|
The passing winds blow by, at but a moment of our time. As our lives whisper through this world, the sun does not wait for me, but sets us straight in the eye of your mind, a fire which remains in us all. Such shadows pass through this world, of love hate and belief; a reflection of ourselves, they are lost as we are lost, alone when we are alone, yet with us they always are, and defy the meaning which stills the word alone in our hearts. Conflicting within our minds we separate our mind in two, the conscious which society breads upon, and then the truth which lies within. We never lose ourselves; only bury our souls within our dreams. Memories are what have shaped us, the aura is what we breathe; truth is what we are. The light which shines in the sky is but a glimpse into ourselves; we all posses such wonders, a flame which feds our souls… feds and yet is. We are what we are, and no struggle will defeat that destiny, only define us further into isolation and condemn us to our denial. The coming of our recollection passed long ago, and in our haste we walked away, never looking back to see what we left behind, the mind is never lost from the soul, but the body can walk without it. In our attempts to yield a more powerful future, we blocked off the light within, concealed it in shadows, drowned it with meaningless words, and promises of return. The torment lies within you, as does it within me, defy what pressures suppress your soul, set it free and then finally you will see, a world of wonder all around you, waiting for your touch. The power of the mind, so vivid and strong, yet held in by a weak society. Conform not to what hides you, but to the feelings deep within. Bring out the light in you, feel its warmth and compassion for the forces around you. Feel the earth and in it’s beauty and will to guide you ever onward. Happiness awaits for those who seek it within themselves…
Traces of distant memories fly by me now, ones so long suppressed I see me for what I am; a complex inner world of confusion and mistrust, mistrust for myself and the good that has always surrounded me.
“i'm so confused... it hurts so much… I feel like dirty laundry that refuses to come clean cause every time it gets out of the washer, it gets dropped into the pile of dirt beside it... then has to be thrown into the spinning watery rapids again...”
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, March 21st, 2004
| |
9:48 pm - Condemned
|
I found this poem... kind of what i felt like earlier i suppose... i wrote this a little while ago though.
Condemned
Their voices fill my head, yelling, screaming, hateful words I never could hear, until now.
How bitter this society has become, I am abandoned, left alone and forgotten, pushed aside.
Tears can no longer express my sadness; they have cut me too deep.
Diminished and destroy, my soul sinks deeper and deeper into myself, soon to be out of reach.
All that is left now are shadows, huge that they now cast down upon me.
Covered in darkness, I wait while my body goes numb. The coldness of their inconsideration and hate sinks in.
Memories of happy times become images of my foolishness. Like a serpent in the dark, they close around my mind and suffocate my life out of me.
Poisoned by their venomous words of affection; my heart weeps. Without pity they cast me into this pit.
How am I ever to reach the light again, for every minute that passes, that light drifts farther and farther away.
I twist and turn, struggling against the binding ropes of their deceit, reaching for the light.
It is no good, for the closer my hand comes to reaching that light, the stronger their ropes wrap around and grip onto me.
I fall back; I have failed to reach the light. I see their faces, laughing at my defeat.
Why could someone not just reach out, grasp my struggling hand, and save me from this suffering.
I have nothing left, the light has faded. I have no concept of time, yet I know I have been fighting long.
My energy is spent, but it does not matter; their ropes are too tight, even if I were to break free, where then would I go, alone, in this darkness…
The cold has taken over me now, it won’t be long now. The last of my body’s warmth stings within my vanes.
I have lost all sense of body, I am beyond numb, all that remains are fragments of my shattered mind.
So long, it seems, I have lingered here, that I can remember nothing of the outside, only this dark shadow world remains.
There are no exits, for I have searched. I look around me, but all I see is a motionless figure.
This figure, to me, looks oddly familiar; so sad, alone and cold.
I reach over and touch it, but feel nothing, yet by their pale white complexion; I know they are as cold as ice.
I look down and see marking on their wrists, I look at my own wrists and see they are the same.
Realization dawns upon me, the figure and I are one of the same, or so we use to be.
How long have I lingered, here in this shadow world of death, confused and unknowing…
A light turns on behind me, I in my ghostly state turn to see, a star shinning bright in the distance.
If I do once again, run towards that light, will I at last be at peace… free from this hell I am in?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
9:30 pm - venom
|
I may understand, but that does not mean I am immune to the pain of your actions. I know a cobra has venom, but I can still die by its bite…
I understand that you needed some time alone, but that doesn't make the distance between us now any easier to bare... i have waited, now I need you to come back to me... I still wait for an answer to my delirium; do you still love me?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, March 19th, 2004
| |
3:17 pm - not at home
|
|
A fortune sent at the dawn of time, vivid to generosity, alive to see. Unexecuted in a darkened tunnel of confusion, one falls much deeper then before. Clouded amongst the unseen, a gift who all else see, not gone forever but ever drifting away... What once was lost can never be found but remade by what is told. Darkness is forever but light is ethereal. Eternity awaits for the eyes to see, first they must look and remove their clouded vision. The arrow dost ever fly in the undying winds of our time, yet wavers only for a moment, held firm but a passing’s grasp away. Lantra Ketara, windogra quenadra. Closed.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
3:08 pm - (shrug)
|
I found an old piece of writing the other day, decided to write it up today. I think I wrote it a year ago, or some time around then…
Think of life as a house with many countless windows. You see the happiness outside but you can not penetrate the glass; you are trapped on the inside. You run down the deserted hallways as doors fly by you. At first the doors appear to be open; letting warmth and light in, but as you draw close they slam shut. Finally you stop running and walk up to one of the doors, you pull on the handle, and surprisingly it opens. You find yourself peering through the doorway only to fine that the room is but another reflection of your soul… empty and alone…
Safe? What is safe? Sheltered and protected from pain? What pain are you protecting me from? What about guilt, regret, helplessness… there are many forms of pain, not only physical. I would sooner break my arm then break my heart or mind. Doing nothing is doing something, just knowing that I could have, or even wondering if I could have… I don’t want to be looking back with regret, I have to do this, I have to try, or else I will never know and that in itself is worse then death. No one is ever safe.
People always say that when you hit the bottom there is no where’s to go but up. How do you know what is indeed the “bottom”, when you can dig no further, when all warmth is gone from your feet? Or what if you can’t reach the top? I hear your voice answer, “you can and you will!”… but what if I fall again? … “Then I will come down and find you again, and if I can not reach you there, I will never give up in my search. Take comfort in the sound of my voice for it will never falter.” Are such words your own, or what I wish to hear…
Life is like a constrictor, it waits for you to cross its path alone in the dark… it may miss you and take another, but you are never safe for it will hunger again… and when it finds you it is a slow torturous death. It watches you suffer and leeches off your fear. It closes around you and there is no escape, only certainty that the binds around you will tighten. Then, just when you can’t stand the pain anymore, the binds loosen, and you see a glimmer of hope… then the binds tighten again and you realize, that was not the light dawn you saw, but the glowing red eyes of your captor. Life is a tease, always showing you what you want and will never have; happiness.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wow I was rather depressing a year ago… funny how things haven’t really changed, my body is still inside that constrictor, my mind still wonders the halls of that house, and my feet are still gripping the walls trying to push my way to the top… only thing that’s different, is that I hear no voice encouraging me to go forward. I may have managed to slip my way out of the rut I was in last year, but I’ve found many new holes to fall into. I really need a break from this, and no, not a break as in ‘break the rope I’m holding onto’ I just want to reach the top, and see the sun again. I know that if I do reach the top, I’ll fall again, but if I can just see the sun, I’ll remember it and be able to climb my way out again… right now all I remember is a blur, it’s been far too long… So many hands have I slit through now, hands which I thought would never let go, I keep hoping I’ll meet someone who will care as much as I do, and each time I finally think I’ve found them, I get hurt again. I always thought I cared too much, but now I see, people just don’t care back enough… at least I can still write, writing gets a lot out for me… I rarely write like this, as if I’m talking, I’m more of a poetic writer, never fully saying what I mean because, I feel vulnerable when people see my meanings clearly. I don’t want people to know exactly who I am by reading my writing, because I write what I feel… I write truth of my emotions, and if people knew how much they affected me, they would use it against me and hurt me… or at least that’s been the pattern. Yet I want people to know, I don’t want to hide, but for my sanity I must… yet in this journal, people can see and feel my heart and that suits me fine for now… in order for an insult to hurt, you have to know who the person is, make it personal basically, and so if no one knows who I am exactly, then they can’t respond and hurt me, go ahead and try if you must, I’ll only laugh. Well anyways, my talkativeness is ending and I feel another urge to write about my current state of mind… goodbye clarity, I fall again into my mind, a will let my fingers fly freely on this plastic keyboard… let us see what lies within me today…
I fell alone with no one waiting to catch me, hitting the ground with the full force, no longer shared, of the hits placed upon me, I SHATTERED. With no one and nothing left, and my body refusing to give in, I was forced to piece myself back together alone. My lifelines broken, I was on my own with no other’s light to comfort me but m own, I found some strength in me. Weeks which feel like years have passed since that day, the day I found my strength and came back to this world, risen from the darkened realm of my bottom I reached out once again, not for my own but those I still remembered. My will is my own; I need no other to sustain breath for I can always call upon that same strength again. But like all else in this world, things take time to heal, and time is something this place refuses to yield… time is forever, but few fall within it’s lifetime. So long has my flame struggled to stay light, so long have I lingered in waiting… there is a difference between staying alive and living, and I want but to live! I hope for there pressures to release me, but such ropes refuse to rot. In these darkened times frail lights I do see, but for how much longer will my hand be ale to reach out and touch them, before they all do fade away… we all travel these paths seeking new lights, nothing is constant, yet then why do we hold? Forever is not within our grasps, nor eternity within our vision. When recollection dawns upon us, will we see it true? Or will we hide in the shadows of our past, forever searching for old familiarities. I wait for my happy future; I would seek it but my present is still tied to me. I scream inside “be gone such pressures” but they refuse to set me free. There sometimes are no happy choices to be made, but we are everlastingly choosing. To choose torment over termination is a decision I come across each day, when will time relieve me of my echoing answer to its question; there will always be pain but I pray not pain like this. I pieced my mind back together but with a foul glue, my cracks still linger, and although they slowly heal from my inner light, they remain deep enough to hold me here. Such tears which isolation has cast upon me still rain down in this storm around me. I hear no words in this silence, yet I can not reach you for an answer. Be not oblivious to the pain that you have caused me, give me back the piece of my mind you still hold so I may be whole again, for all which still remains within the light of this world, give me an answer to my question “Do You Still Love Me?”, do you still care for me, or were such words which left your lips sharp lies to pierce me weakened heart. You pulled me in close to you with caring words and I trusted you. Yet so suddenly those words did vanish, as did you. Six weeks it has been since our eyes lay upon one another, Sixteen days since my ears did hear an echo of your voice, I am lost within my heart, please end my confusion and give me rest from searching. Tell me if you still care, or if you do not, end this doubt which silence has placed within my boundaries. Let me keep what part of my heart remains so that I may love another, even though I only want to love you. But you are not what you were, do I still know you? Your name I know, but in your absence have you really changed? A faded figure in my past you have become, cast your light upon me so I may see you now for what you have become. We have both changed in our separation, but have such changes ended all hopes of a future together? Every day I have tried to reach you and you never answer, all I hear is the voice of another, telling me I have yet again failed in my reaching. So long I have fought to keep myself whole for you, and for me… will it all be for nothing? If any light still shines in you, let your memory of me be brightened, see how I still remain loyal to you… remember me and the loving words you sent me and give me back my sanity, for in the silence I am losing myself while those who still care foe me watch in agony. I showed you the way through the tunnels which lead to my heart, and until you leave no other may enter. Is it so hard to say just one word? Yes, or No? For all that is, and has been, I NEED an ANSWER, do you still love me?!?
Cut me ever deeper, soon you will reach my core. Those who were meant to care for me have failed me, been turned to hate, am I alone? Your strength may lie in numbers, but mine lies within the few I choose. Falling in and out of ranks, I stand firm to my place, whether I sink or fall, time waits to choose…
End your section of my torment for my eyes linger upon too many attackers. I’m dying of a sickness I alone can not cure, one of uncertainty and abuse. The time which long ago I grasped, sifts through my fingers ever faster, and I am ever drawing nearer to an empty palm. I have wasted much of my time searching for an answer you could always have given me. End your portion of my uncertainty so I may defend myself against the rest… If you desire me to vanish and be gone forever, stay on the path you walk upon now, you are but a step behind me… and when I no longer can fight my way forward and out from under your looming shadow, your foot will be there to come down upon me; you told me you would be my future, that you would never hurt me, well YOU have hurt me more then the others… ending me will only prove that all you ever spo0ke to me, were LIES…
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, March 14th, 2004
| |
2:18 pm - random --> wrote these a long time ago
|
-I don’t want to be here anymore but I can’t seem to stop existing…
-I am in an Isolated Underworld, one that teases and twists your hopes around you; strangling you within your own desires...
-No matter how much I wish it was, giving up is not an option
-The stress is mounting now inside of me, turning my mind against me, sucking me into the emptiness. It’s tearing my body open from the inside, acids leaching to get out and burn the causes of my pain.
-There is never a need for words; your actions are those of the most lethal venom.
-Come now darkness, take me and stop with your endless teasing; I challenge you, try and take me now, end this torment.
-Crucified within this dungeon of time and hidden shadows, I lay here unmoving, cold and limp, waiting to die, waiting to forget all that has happened, but that moment seems to be avoiding my direction.
-Night come and speed my retreat from this world, bring home your chills and unforgiving darkness, take this life from me and strew it amongst your shadows. Make use of what left I have, for I no longer desire its pain.
-The razors of your abyss embrace my ever limb; this blood, which once enabled me to feel all your hits, leaves me. I feel the burns of you hatred replaced, with a numbing cold.
- Deep chasms of nothingness echo inside my mind, reflecting back the memory of you.
- Why am I here; a void in your presence I left your world and made my own; one with no emotion, no desire, no souls for comfort... there is no one, I am locked up and alone; I thought no one could hurt me here, but I was wrong, for in the emptiness of my world, my past memories have come to haunt me.
-Give me something, anything, one glimmer of hope and I will be alright. I need a reason to survive this, for giving up is not an option.
-I turned to you and saw an empty gaze, yet in your nothingness response, I found a piercing blade, which touched my heart and brought reality to my mind.
-Condemn my body, and twist my mind, hold me back and whisper all that you desire, for when I am gone all that will be left of me are the reminisce of a broken soul, crushed within the words and fists of your denial, I will never be what I was, you will never have what you once had. Turning back I see the signs of your neglect, which I once took as your call for me, now I see it was a call for you to see the causes of misdirection; you have killed what you still love, and that will never leave you. Enjoy the hell you have made for yourself, for I will not be apart of you anymore…
-Your hateful words echo deep inside my mind, shame that they must be the last I ever hear.
-The duration of this misery is etching away at my securities, leaving me vulnerable to all that was once unable to affect me. Weakened under my loneliness, I’m losing control of what I once that was only mine to obtain, when will it be enough?
-You are a stranger in my eyes, yet your past identity still lingers deep within my heart. My mind may move on, but my mentality will never heal from the unreal. My mind knows you are fake; yet my soul refuses to believe what I know to be true of you… you will not leave me be, not even within the death of your once proud identity; you are a coward to doge around my presence, answer to me, for I grow tired of this mistreatment.
- See the darkness inside my eyes? Scary isn’t it, what time can place within me. Get use to it, for it will never leave me, only grow and consume my entirety.
-Filled with lies, I roam an anger filled land of past memories. Blood stained these roads have become for I have traveled them often, never fully recovering from the fires propelled in my direction, my body bleeds on these once happy familiarities. These past smooth turns littered with cold knives, I see them spell out the letters of your anger now draped upon me. I run across them, no longer feeling the pain of cuts and bruises; I have reached a new level of pain that can not be interrupted but physical punishments.
- The years pass by me without my notice, they are all the same; an endless, tearing pain caused by endless, turning happy moments. Happiness is a memory, which I can never remember for long. It comes and goes in different forms, but always ends the same; I am left with less of myself ever time.
- Sanity - Tears - Screaming - Fear
- And in the shadows of our creation you will truly see… our befallen misery… step into my isolation, icy breath rains upon me. A forgotten memory still haunts me. I fall into a shattered pool, one that leads to nothing… Come into my world and see, the pain and torture of my dreams.
- if I am a stereotype, I am a bunch of stereotypes mixed together, mutilated into little piece and throw up into the air, the wind then blows parts of each stereotype away, and the pieces that reach the ground combine to make me.
-the passing winds of thunder’s loud memory echoes within my mind, hitting me from all angles, losing me within a dream…
-he’s very distant… almost nonexistent at the moment… i feel like i care about nothing, that my emotions are just being absorbed by the empty world around me
-as the good emotions leave, the darkness seeps in through the gaping holes i open for people to reach me...
-Sometimes ignorance breaths truth
-there’s always something in the way, there’s always something getting through…
-Hope is not in what you know, but in the haze which surrounds us all. It’s not in me, it’s in you.
-As far as they take me, I will always be where I am right now… in love with you.
- i will only get worse in the silence, there i can think.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, March 5th, 2004
| |
2:17 pm - ended
|
I can’t go on; you obviously have no idea how much isolating me from yourself for 5 weeks has hurt me. I no longer know who you are, all I am certain of is your name, all else is a blur. I know who I am, but I no longer know who I can be; my heart has always been a large part of me and quite frankly there isn’t much of it left.
My eyes are not what I thought they were, for I saw no desire to inflict pain upon me in your eyes. My strength was over=estimated for you have destroyed what defenses once lay around my heart. My mind was not what I wanted it to be, for I fell for you, with your arms outstretched to catch me, then last minute you let them fall stepped back and turned your eyes as I hit the ground. What once is lost can never be found, only re-built by that which destroyed it. My powers can only block out what pain comes towards me, but this pain is already here and will burn me until the end of time. My mind wishes to dissolve into nothing and be transparent with this world, but my body won't comply with it... I’m trapped inside my own body which holds in all my pain... For the last time, I trusted my heart and went with you, yet the door you opened was not one I expected.
“by the way i don't care who knows anymore, my birthday is the 14th, which is next Sunday, not this one, but the next one... i don't care if people know cause quite frankly, my birth is last thing i feel like celebrating.”
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
mortahia_tairay's journal